#that people in the church are already welcoming and loving and whatever else

[cheerfullycatholic]

I hope someday kids don't have to fear coming out to their Catholic families. I hope someday they're raised being taught the whole truth, that while actions are sinful and the Church cannot condone them, feelings and temptations are not, and that God doesn't love them any less for something they can't control. I hope when they start to feel these things their immediate reaction isn't "oh no, my parents will kill me if they find out" but, "I need to talk about this with my parents". I hope someday it's no longer treated as the worst thing a person could be, or something that needs to be hidden. I hope someday they don't feel unwelcome by their parish, that they know they belong there just as much as anyone else. I hope someday they're taught that a celibate life is not a punishment, but a beautiful way to live a holy life- not just for lgbt people, but for anyone who chooses it, and that it's no longer looked at as a lesser option. I hope someday they can confidently turn to their loved ones for support and guidance, and not have to carry this alone. I hope someday lgbt Catholics are loved in the Church like God loves them.

[queerprayers]

I’m unemployed dropped out of school before I reached high school and am unbaptised. Does God care about someone like that

Welcome, beloved, to the blog of a high school dropout who walks dogs (but has never actually been employed anywhere), and was baptized as a baby and so did not have any choice in the matter! God cares about both of us, and has given us ways to serve Them in our own lives, as we are now.

Your employment status can obviously matter quite a bit in terms of survival, because of the world we live in, but itself has no bearing on your relationship with God. Whatever the reason you don't have a job, you have a life worthy of care, from those around you and from God. Being employed has never been a Christian focus--devoting your life to God has. Capitalism has changed so much, but please know that the ways the system (and those misled by it) shames you do not reflect the will of God. No human system can decide your worth.

Your level of education, similarly, doesn't say anything about you that God cares about. I dropped out of school for health reasons--whatever yours are, even if you don't feel they're good, whatever! High school was invented like 200 years ago, and has nothing to do with God's care for you. Education is holy--reading, talking to different kinds of people, learning about history and the natural world, thinking about God. This knowledge is in schools but it's also everywhere else. I'm not telling everyone reading this to drop out of high school, but I am saying that there are so many beautiful paths without it. I would also point out that in many places, there is support for people who left schooling early--my city, for instance, has free GED (high school equivalency diploma) programs. If that's something you want to change (of your own volition, not because God will care about you any differently), it's very possible that you can.

Baptism is the most easily changed thing on this list, if you seek it. Most churches require some discussion beforehand, maybe a class to learn about the denomination, but there aren't huge barriers (and there is no test of worthiness). If it's not in your future, for whatever reason, I can still tell you God cares about you, fully, as you are. Baptism is lots of things for lots of people--a symbol, a physical manifestation of grace, a welcoming into a Christian community, a sealing of a covenant--but it has never been the first moment of care from God. That has already passed--it was the first moment you existed. To say you need to be baptized for God to care about you is to say that God doesn't care about anyone from any other religion, or about those who die before baptism--what a sad life that would be. What a limiting belief.

I don't know you, but I have faith you treat others well. I have faith you wouldn't tell me God didn't care about me because of my job or schooling. So don't do that to yourself. I hate to break it to you, but you have no say in the matter. It doesn't matter how worthy you are, or how much you're succeeding by our current society's standards. God is love, a love which keeps no record of wrongs, a love which does not weigh with the measures of this world, a love which cannot be contained in the rituals of an institutional church, a love which does not require knowledge or action or belief to surround us. We are saved by this love, not by a diploma or paycheck or a pastor's words.

Go in peace, beloved. Glorify God with your life, not with someone else's. And anyone who tells you that there are limits on God's care is not talking about the God of the Bible--who works through the underdog, who turns any idea of worthiness on its head, who picks the younger son and the tax collector, the unwed mother and the poor father. God comes to where we are, and takes us by the hand.

<3 Johanna

[androgynousblackbox]

Welcome to Hazbin Vale. 1 [Appleradio]

"Hello, hello, my dear listeners! Your dear radio host Alastor is here to give you, once again, the most warming welcome to your favorite station here in our splendid town of Hazbin Vale. It's truly quite a pleasure to being back on the air after that rather unfortunate murder that happened near the studio.

Yes, indeed, truly unfortunate that an unruly teenager didn't pick a better target to pick on late at night when some individuals want to just grab some milk at the gas station and had to live the consequences. But is exactly as they say, my friends; you reap what you saw and that night the scythe of death must have felt a little bit… impatient than usual.

But there's no need to worry about that! I am sure that the thirst for death has been quench for now and there won't be any other danger on the horizon. You see, I am just cursed with an unbearable optimism, dear listener, so I am sure that you will be going home without no worry or concern in your tender, warm, little hearts tonight. Back to your lovely families who all can let a sigh of relief because there is nobody outside watching through the window. Or are there? I would close the windows and keep the lights out, just to be safe.

Back again to our waste of youth, I mean, our dearly departed young delinquent, I think I saw their foot sticking out from behind the counter at the gas station when I pased this morning. The police must have been too busy picking up all the other pieces that they missed it! If any of our valiant police officers could take care of that so the whole body could be put underground that would be lovely. For the family, of course!

I actually tried to get some comment from the police chief Husk to give you all, but someone must have skipped on their greasy filled donuts breakfast this morning because the old man Husk just shush me away, insisting that they were already taking care of everything.

Truly, how rude is that? Has the police never heard about such a thing as freedom of press? Outrageous, I tell you that! But even though I could stay and argue for my civil rights, as I had every right to do, dear listener, I instead walked away to my radio tower while humming to myself our last hit of yesterday, "Murder on the dance floor!" I don't know why I got that particularly melody stuck in my head so much.

Oh, nevermind that. For whoever may care, or be morbidly curious about it, the service for the body will be tomorrow at 9 AM in our local church. Despite the many flaws of her offpring, his mother is a nice lady that knows to stay quiet when it's convenient for her, so please, send her my most sincere condolecencies if you happened to see her. I believe she was planning to move out of town right after putting her son to rest, as she told me herself this morning on my way here. Since of course I had to make sure that she was in a good state of mind and wasn't causing a ruckus trying to say to the police things she shouldn't have.

Poor woman. I can't imagine what it must feel like to have such a loss. The sense of relief to have one less mouth to feed can be overwhelming. She will surely be missed, whatever her name was!

In other less satisfying news, the universe truly has it's own way to balance everything because as soon someone was out, someone else is comming in. That is right, dear listener, while I was having my morning stroll I happened to hear all about our new resident in town that moved to the old abandoned house at the outskirt of everything. From what I could gather by the power of people's gossip, this man is a inventor who primarly makes toys and has made a considerable fortune out of it. How nice.

He plans to revive the toy store that had to shut down two years ago when that whatisherface rude clerk was slaughtered in a particularly hilarious manner there and the cowardly owners ran away. We all remember that incident. They never did find her delicious soft hands, did they?

Another tragedy that we all mourned together, indeed. The closing of the toy store, that is. The youth does really need space to entertain themselves in a safe and controlled environment. Maybe if some teenagers had something like that growing up, they wouldn't have ended up on the ground, ha ha!

Who knows, it could even revitalize a little bit of the spark this town used to have. Now everyone is so afraid and paranoid, talking about all these sudden and inexplicable attacks as if they were worth mulling over rather than an inevitability of life. As if thinking about it is ever going to stop a knife directed to the throat. A waste of time if you ask me.

So a nice change of pace might be exactly what we all need! I heard that this inventor even brought along his own daughter, that should be starting in preschool for the next week if I am not mistaken. I haven't been able to meet the man yet, but it sounds like at the very least could be interesting for three whole minutes if I am lucky. Five if a miracle happens. Oh, along with my optimism, I have also been cursed with too high expectations, it seems.

What I can say? I am a dreamer at heart.

Ah, new blood is always rather exciting, don't you think, listener? Me, I am not particularly fond of children, especially the rude ones, but I am nothing if not flexible to whatever changes may come our way and my curiosity is always killing. That is how the saying goes, isn't it? Ha ha, we have a lot of fun here, don't we?

I think great things are about to happen here, in this lovely quaint town of ours, listener. I can feel it on the air. It's crinkling and static with energy, after so, so long. It's finally waking up. I know you feel it too.

Be sure to give the toy maker a welcome only worthy of Hazbin Vale when you have the chance. Tell him that Alastor will always be reporting the news of this town and to tune in with the rest of us whenever he wants. Remember: I am always here. I will be here to delight your ears for as long you breath and long after you are done breathing. I can never stop or be stopped. That is a promise.

Now, for the weather…"

[vincentvangodot]

So I'm really bad at keeping up with devotionals, or anything that relies on me remembering it exists every day. Including medication whoops. But this year I really wanted to keep up with a devotional for Advent, and I found one called "Love Came Down: Anglican Readings for Advent and Christmas". It seemed decent enough, the title comes from a poem I love, I gave it a shot.

Friends, this book is truly terrible. It has been actively bad for my faith to have been reading it for the past couple weeks. It is, almost without exception, about how our lives are dust and Hell awaits us and we have no hope without the love of G-d. Which, OK. Even if that's what you want to focus on out of the entirety of Christ's message, why right now? Why when we're preparing for His Nativity? Why drown in despair instead of living in hope?

It's just genuinely dreadful. I've been having all sorts of doubts since I started trying to focus on the messages this book was trying to convey, and I'm really having to fight to focus on joy - the liturgical theme of this week - instead of resentment. I'm still kinda skimming the book, but I've found a better devotional and am trying to recover. It's just so INTENSELY Victorian to focus on the veil of death and how we are as worms. And it's not even like I don't have any appreciation for meditations on death and unworthiness, but this is Advent! Save that shit for Lent!

If nothing else, I guess, it's a reminder of what I want my Christianity to look like, which is way more community-focused and way less concerned with trying to beat the reaper or whatever. The Advent readings are focused on the second coming, which is important and interesting to think about, but there's such a difference between that and obsessing over what will happen to your body when you die. It'll be dust and it'll mingle with everyone else's dust and that's beautiful, but the people collected in this book seem to think I should be horrified. Just weird and bad.

[&; A large part of this is also something I've had a problem with for a long time, which is a sentiment best summed up in the Act of Contrition: "I detest all my sins, because I dread the loss of Heaven and the pains of Hell". I don't act based on hope of reward or fear of punishment. I do my best to act in accordance with what G-d, through the scriptures and revelation, has indicated They want from me, because I love G-d. They are not some looming master with a whip in hand, They are my Creator and I want to act in such a way as to pretend I could possibly justify the love They already have for me. It's a complicated way of thinking, but in my eyes it's more honest worship than just reacting to what I want or don't want. It isn't about me at all, in fact.]

Speaking of community, I really do want to start physically going to church more often (currently I mostly watch the livestream), but almost no one masks and I truly do not feel safe. I want to talk to the rector about at least encouraging masking again, knowing requiring it simply will not happen. I don't know how that'll go, but I have to at least raise the point. If we're trying to be a place of "radical welcome", we can care a little more about health, that's all.

[appetite4savage]

City of Angels (Phil Collen)

-

@thiswatch-lepparddef-werehi and I were taking about how City of Angels by Demi Lovato reminded us of Phil and how it needed to be a one shot… so here we are. It also has a touch of Daisy Jones & The Six because I’ve been obsessed with that show lately!

Warnings: Sexual/Adult/Explicit Content!

-

Y/N’s POV

The City of Angels. What a silly name for city that is full of people who are far from angels.

I’ve lived here my whole life. I grew up going to Catholic school and being the perfect little girl my parents wanted to be. It all changed once I got to experience the wonders the Sunset Strip brought at nightfall.

The sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll scene changed me. I started staying out late and bringing home a different guy every night. Somehow my parents never knew it. Maybe they did, and just didn’t have the energy to care. That wasn’t an unusual thing for them. I think they forgot I existed most of the time anyway.

I live alone now, and haven’t spoken to them much over the last few months. I fill the void with whatever I can get my hands on, but still manage to function and maintain a job at the local music store.

I’ve seen all kinds of people in my shop. Guys in no-name bands to rockstars with number one albums. I treat them all the same. It’s always been about the music for me.

The bell over the door rings for the hundredth time today. I sigh and get up from my comfortable sitting position to greet them.

“Hey, welcome to Guitar World. How can I help you today?” I say in what I like to call my customer service voice.

The man takes off his sunglasses and I realize who it is. Phil Collen.

“Hello, love.” He smiles. “I’m just looking around.”

I try to pretend like I’m not absolutely fawning over him. Def Leppard has been a favorite band of mine for a long while. I watch intently while he strolls around, picking up various packs of strings and plucking the guitars that are on display.

Pull yourself together, Y/N. If he catches you staring, what will he think?

Almost as if he could hear this thought, he turns around and we make eye contact. I quickly pretend I was looking somewhere else, but I think he knows.

He comes up to the counter with the items he picked out.

I cough, nervously. “Will this be all?” I mutter as I scan everything.

“Actually, no.” He says. I pause, looking up at him. He’s leaning with one elbow onto the counter. “I’d like to know your name.”

Suddenly it feels my air circulation has cut off. Is this happening right now?

“Uh, Y/N.”

“Phil, but I think you already knew that.” He places money on the counter along with a note, winking before heading out the door.

I stand frozen for a moment before picking up the small sheet of paper and unfolding it. It’s his phone number.

-

I got off work hours ago, but still keep replaying that moment in my head. I hold the small piece of paper in my hand, tapping my fingers against the phone.

Without thinking any more about it, I dial the number quickly.

“Hello?”

“Phil! Hi. It’s-“

“Y/N. I’ve been waiting for you to call.”

He was waiting for ME to call?

“Um, right. What are you up to?”

“Not much.”

“Do you want to meet me back at the shop? I’m about to lock up, and well, I understand if you don’t want to.” My words run together from my nervousness.

His laughter rings throughout the phone. “I’ll be there in 20.” The receiver clicks and I’m left with silence, aside from my heart beating out of my chest at ten thousand miles per hour.

-

Sure enough, he arrives a few minutes later. He’s wearing the same outfit he had on earlier, but with a leather jacket added on top of it. I don’t think he’s ever had a bad look in his life.

We end up walking around town, taking in the night scenery. There’s not much light other than the moon shining down above us.

After a bit of walking, we reach a building that is all too familiar to me. The church I grew up going in. The one I went to school in. I stop in my tracks and face it.

His warm hand grasps my shoulder. “Are you alright?”

“I’m okay. I just… I just grew up in this church and went to school here. It saw the good, bad and ugly parts of my life.”

“I see.” He says. He starts to walk up to the doors and go inside.

“What are you doing?”

He turns around to look at me. “I’m going inside.”

“No, we might get in trouble.” I try to stop him, but he just laughs at me in response. He goes inside.

Looking around frantically, I go inside after him.

All the memories come rushing back.

“So you wore one of those little skirts, eh?” He smirks.

“Yes, sometimes much shorter than I was supposed to.” I sit in one of the back pews as he glances around.

“Oh, a rulebreaker.” He inches closer, grabbing my hand and pulling me to the back of the room.

“Gave the nuns hell.” My back ends up pressed against the wall.

“I believe it.” He closed what little space there was between us, pressing his forehead against mine and snaking his arm around my waist. “Want to break some more?”

I don’t respond, I just immediately latch my lips onto his. He meanders his hand inside my top, the sensation of his touch giving me goosebumps.

He picks me up, gripping my hips as he carries me back to the pew we sat at before. He starts to pull off my top, but I stop him. “No time, the night guard will be here soon.” I learned the routine of this church like the back of my hand. After all, this is where I lost my virginity.

“So you did break some rules.” He laughs.

“Frequently. With half of the graduating class.”

He scoffs before he moves down to unbutton my jeans hastily, sliding them off of me along with my underwear. Instead of throwing the black, lacy fabric on the floor, he tucks them in his back pocket.

“Saving those for later.”

“On with it, Romeo.”

“As you wish.”

He reaches and puts two fingers inside, making me gasp from the sudden intrusion. “Already so wet. You’ve been thinking about this all day, haven’t you?”

I can’t get out any words other than a slight “Mm.”

He removes his fingers and starts undoing his own belt, sliding down his pants and boxers in one swift move.

I barely have time to catch my breath after he bottoms out on the first go.

“Goddammit, Phil!”

“Be careful how you use his name.” He whispers, his breath hitting my neck as he enters me again, and again. The old wood of the pew is knocking around just like it used to.

“Almost there.” I lock my ankles at the small of his back as a signal not to move. His movements get slower and slower until he fills me with his warmth.

He pants before leaning his head down on my shoulder.

“We have to go.”

He kisses my neck once more before pulling out of me, causing me to groan out of utter distaste.

We clean ourselves up and quickly get out of the building.

“Well, if there is a hell, we’re certainly going to it.”

“Oh well. I like the warmth anyway.” I wink, grabbing his hand and pulling him back down the sidewalk.

[project-discipline-2024]

Tagaytay Escapade

We traveled to Tagaytay at night, and the cold breeze of the place embraced and welcomed us. I really enjoyed the night because of the weather and also because I was with Arcel.

Despite having dual jobs, we managed to have quality bonding time, strengthening our relationship. We passed by Andoks, which was remarkable on our last trip due to its affordability and delicious taste when we had nothing else to choose from.

The cold weather led us to Serin to find and buy a jacket, and we found one at Penshoppe. My girlfriend chose this one for me, and it suited me well. It's memorable because she chose it for me. Thank you, mahal.

Feeling hungry, we took the bus to Bulalo's Point Restaurant. However, I noticed that the place was not very accommodating, so we tried searching nearby since there were many restaurants to choose from. We attempted to go to E-ways Restaurant, but unfortunately, it was already closed. We ended up at Balinsasayaw, where we did not expect the food to become our favorite. The fried bangus and bulalo were really special, and we ate a lot. The taste of Tsokolate was remarkable to us. We loved it so much!

In the morning, we took a walk and enjoyed the sun. We went to Starbucks and had coffee there, trying to sunbathe and talk to each other about life scenarios. I really admire her idea of always putting God first in whatever you do and not being too proud of yourself because humble people receive good merits in life. She gave an example of her mother's situation, and I appreciate her for sharing this with me. I am reminded to be humble every day and always be grateful for what I am today.

On Sunday afternoon, we went to Gracis and met her Kadiwa friends. We explored the place, exchanged gifts, and enjoyed the activities there. My girlfriend and I tried fishing and ATV, which was a super cool experience as it was our first time together. Thank you for sharing this adventure and introducing me to these people in my life. After that, we went to church to fulfill our duties and had dinner. I'll never forget the restaurant on Bonifacio Drive because of the small serving of food but being super expensive. Never again. After dinner, we made fun of that restaurant. Hahaha, we felt like the craziest people in the world. Lol.

Tagaytay has always held a special place in my heart because this is where we started to strengthen our relationship and get to know each other. Our relationship has become strong, intimate, and peaceful. To Arcel, I always look forward to making memories with you in this place, having hot chocolate, and engaging in meaningful conversations.

Baguio Escapade

At 4 am on January 28, we went to Benguet with one of our closest friends, Joan and Jojo. My girlfriend and I were the ones who planned the trip, and unexpectedly, the couple wanted to join with us, so it became a double date now. Hahahaha. That was super cool, though. Thank you because the two have a car, and our travel to Benguet became easy. It took us a 4-hour drive to get there. We went to Camp John Hay to have breakfast and ended up at Pancake House. The cold weather was up to 14 degrees Celsius and tolerable at that time, but the weather got much colder in the evening, hahaha. After breakfast, we tried to go to Tsokolate de Batirol and experience their famous hot chocolate. A lot of people were there; however, when we tried the drink, the experience was not something amazing because the taste was like beer, lol. Nevertheless, we tried to finish it even though we did not like it much. Hahaha. Outside the restaurant, we experienced the cold breeze of the weather and appreciated the trees and breathing space there. I also loved how we used the camera brought by Ar. I was stunned by how we captured things and people. It felt like something special, to capture moments and make them live forever. How mesmerizing it was.

Benguet has been a place where Mother Nature heals everyone. The stunning mountains, the vegetables, the food, the weather, and the people – that's why I always want to be there and heal each wound that I experience in every war I face. The mountains and trees have been one of my friends whenever I feel tired because I know that God provided these amazing things to help His humans. I always love to connect to nature. With this, we went to Atok to explore the beauty of flower farms. There are lots of kinds of flowers there, and the place was too high to travel and too far from our place. Thank you to Jojo for driving us; he has really good driving skills, indeed! I appreciated the overlooking mountain and flowers. We also bought strawberries as pasalubong for ourselves, lol. We planned to make tanghulu; unfortunately, we did not have enough ingredients to make this. Sad. The whole trip was filled with relaxation and adventure. We went to ALAPO to experience camping at night and grilled enoki pork. The food was amazing, the bonfire was stunning, and the sunrise was a beautiful souvenir we could ever get from that place. I loved our photos there.

We experienced a lot of firsts in our first three days; however, we are not yet ready to make our trip fully on vacation. After Mondays, we're back to work. My girlfriend and I work two jobs, and I am happy to say that we managed it superbly! I was amazed at how my girlfriend worked because she managed it so well, and she did smart work – by focusing on certain hours, and the rest will be rest time. I was amazed by her. Most of the time, she did not work, but her productivity was remarkable, and she finished all her tasks. On the other side, I had to work hard because there were a lot of deadlines and tasks to finish and create pull requests on my plate. I did not want to lose this job since I needed more money, and ironically, because of the burden and weight on my head, on this day, I had planned to leave my second job – but this is all in my head. I just wanted to rant and express it because I cannot manage it anymore. Thank you to my girlfriend for being my sounding board and carrying the burdens in my heart. I wanted to quit at that time and submit my resignation, but I never did. Haha, I tried to convince myself to push harder and find a solution to that problem, and fast forward, the workload in the next month became manageable. Up to this date, I am still with the same company.

Joan and Jojo had to leave in the middle of the week because they said they could not bear the cold weather. My girlfriend and I were the ones who stayed in the Airbnb. We enjoyed each other's company, and I was grateful for her and thankful because she was one of a kind. She helped and comforted me when I struggled to communicate with others and assisted me with my internet connection during my interview with Nelnet. I loved every act she did for me. She cooks our food well, and I appreciate how she takes care of me every single minute. I feel genuine care and love from her. I could say that I am the luckiest man alive. hahaha.

I know most people might be thinking about two people in the same room and sleeping together, and of course, they may engage in premarital sex. However, we respect each other's decisions and adhere to the doctrines of our religion, which prohibit having sex without the blessing of our beloved parents until we are married. I am thankful that she is not like other girls who might seduce their man into having sex. I love how our relationship is going and how we respect each other. I would love to experience this type of bonding with you again soon! Therefore, I conclude that the whole vacation, walking around the city, and helping me when I felt bloated and my tummy hurt after eating on our last day there was wonderful. I don't have anything to say but thank you, Arcel, for giving me the kind of love that I am not sure if I deserve because you are more than enough for me. I love you, and I will take care of you and protect you at all costs, mahal ko.

Good News!

I got my Non-Professional Driver's License.

My girlfriend's Korean Tourist Visa was approved.

I decided to apply to the Korean Embassy for a Tourist Visa, and it was approved!

I applied for the Canadian Student Visa Pathway, and it was approved!

Arcel is now my neighbor, and we enjoy each other's company.

We got our homestay approved on Airbnb.

Better days are coming!

There are a lot of things to be grateful for. I am grateful for having all kinds of support from my family, friends, and girlfriend. I could not imagine a happy life without them. All I can say right now is thank you, God Father, for allowing these events to happen in my life. I know that you have a very good reason that we never know why all this happens. All I can say is to trust you and surrender all to you because, as a human, I cannot do anything without you. Since Day 1, I know you have never forgotten me and always stood by my side, watching me with every decision in my life. Thank you for your guidance and for allowing my faith to grow. I hope for better days ahead, and if struggles are coming my way, I know that you will help and guide me to conquer all of them. Better days are coming! I manifest and pray that Arcel will have an employer in Alberta, Canada, particularly in Calgary by 2025, so she can leave the country to start her 30s. I know God has a plan for each and every one of us, and serving God is one of our purposes. I manifest that from this very day, we will come back to this blog and say that we are meant for Canada, and we will live there and build our own family.

In the upcoming days, I want to make sure to be more disciplined in each aspect of life. Thank you for bringing Arcel into my life because she has guided me to become a better person, and we align with each other to be the best versions of ourselves.

Here are the plans I want to fulfill in the following weeks:

Eat less, move more, eat more proteins, and engage in strength training.

Lose body fat and build muscle.

Improve my spiritual connection and faith with God Father by doing Panata.

Wake up at 6 am and do the routines with my girlfriend.

Read one book per month.

Write a blog consistently.

Socialize with family and friends to boost oxytocin and happy hormones – as humans, we build connections with others.

Travel in nature once in a while.

I hope these activities will strengthen my personal well-being and relationships with others, and I am looking forward to seeing progress little by little.  Super excited for our next trip! See you soon, South Korea!

[dailyaudiobiblechronological]

10/19/2023 DAB Chronological Transcription

Matthew 15, Mark 7

It's the 19th day of October. I'm Jill. Welcome to Daily Audio Bible Chronological. So great to have you here and to be together on this journey as we walk through the word of God every day. And we do it in chronological order on this particular channel of the Daily Audio Bible. Today We are reading the book of Matthew and we're going to read chapter 15.And then we will jump over to the book of Mark and we'll read Chapter 7. This week we're reading it in the Amplified Bible. I hope you're having the most wonderful day wherever you are, no matter what you're going through, no matter what you're walking through, no matter the circumstances of life. I hope your declaration Can be That God is good.God is with us, and I'm thankful for that every day. Matthew, chapter 15. 

Commentary

OK, so we have once again the same stories read back-to-back today, and we have already read the other two and the other two gospels and a previous day. Several months ago we read Proverbs and it was a well, it's it's one of my favorites. But the the verse stood alone for the reading for that day and I remember it because I was like, wow, one of my favorite verses and it just it's just sitting here by itself today and that verse is above all else Guard your heart. For out of it comes the source of life, and I tried to do just the the best interpretation I could of that from what I've learned, because that message alone has transformed my life. I did not grow up learning about the message Of the heart. I grew up at a time in the church where there was a lot of behavior modification, which is exhausting on both counts, both the people trying to modify it because you basically have to control people and exhausting on the end of Modifying your behavior because you can start to live in a state of perfectionism. Trying to perfect every little thing, still knowing that you're not going to get it right, so you can get to the end of it and be exhausted and go, what is the point? Because I'm going to fail and I'm going to disappoint While I'm trying to perfect my behavior. That reason is why the message of the heart is so important and we can get it so wrong. I say all of that because Jesus himself Gives a beautiful teaching today on the heart of a man. We see that the Pharisees and the scribes from Jerusalem come and they gather around Jesus. We talked a few days ago about they're just watching him. They're just Waiting for him to really mess it up. And what they observe is that Jesus and his disciples skip the ceremonial purification of hand washing. Which is Jewish religious ritual. And they have this exchange back and forth regarding honoring their mother and father. But then Jesus gets to the heart of the matter and he tells them there is nothing that you're going to eat That is going to defile you, morally or spiritually. But what will defile you, Is what comes out Of your hearts. And then Jesus says it. If anyone has ears to hear, let him hear whatever comes from the heart of a man. That is what defiles and dishonors him for from within That is, out the heart of men come base and malevolent thoughts and schemes, acts of sexual immorality, thefts, murders, adulteries, acts of greed and covetousness, wickedness, deceit, unrestrained conduct, envy and jealousy, Slander and profanity, arrogance and self righteousness And poor judgment or foolishness. All these evil things come from within and defile and dishonor the man we also read, our heart, And our mind, that is where we need to do the most work are we taking The thoughts captive are we praying God, change my heart. Jesus mentions the things that defile a man. But what we know, and again, we haven't got there, but what we know is the fruit Of the Spirit, the Spirit of God is Love, joy, peace, kindness, patience, self-control, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness. These things are almost direct opposites of what Jesus mentioned. Now they're not direct opposites. You can't line them up and say The opposite of this is this. But what we can gather is that Jesus knows that when the heart is sick, this Is what comes out. And this is what he's saying. When the heart is unclean. This is what defiles a man. Not because you didn't wash your hands. What ultimately Jesus is saying is the outside, We worry about the outside and neglect The heart, the inside. I want my heart.To be pure I want My spirit To be clean, I want to reach for the fruit of the Spirit of God that dwells inside of me. I want to represent Jesus at all times, and I want to do more than just want it. I want to apply it. I want there to be change. Not temporary fixes, not behavioral modifications, not adjustments. I'm talking true change. Change that comes from the inside out. Change that the world sees. Change that says there's something different about them and I need What they have.

Prayer

So, Father, we hear these words from your son today. They hit us hard. They should. That is the conviction That the Holy Spirit brings, that causes us to change. It causes us to want to turn In the other direction, to produce a different outcome than what we've been doing. So father, we need Your help take these hearts of stone, And make them flesh. Take the hurt that leaves us bitter and cold, and heal it. Make us new. Change us From the inside out, we pray. Father, Son, and Holy spirit,Amen. 

Community Prayer Line

Hello DABC family, this is Tasha calling from PA Dutch country and I just wanted to call in about October 13th. Um, believe it was refined by the fire into All of you who pray. For those of us who I rarely call in, this is brought my second time calling in. And I just want to thank you all for your prayers and just lifting up the whole entire community. I've been part of the community going on three years now and my husband also probably about a year he listens to the DAB side with Um Brian. And um I just thought that I would just call in. I'm. I'm just so moved by this community and just so thankful that there's times when I can't Even articulate and find the words to even say how much This community has been a blessing to me and I just want to thank you all and I will try to call in now. I'm going to call in more often so I can pray For those of you who need prayer, I can relate to so many of your stories And prayer requests. And when I hear them, I just feel so, Moved just to pray. I may not call and I pray, but I I want, I want to do better and to do those things. So I'm just so thankful and I will be calling you. Thank you all so much. 

God bless.Good morning DABC. This is Tony calling from Suffolk. I wanted to pray for the young lady called in and I wanted prayer for her brother who's struggling with excessive alcohol intake and also depression and anxiety having issues along with this marriage as well. Heavenly Father, I come to you as humble as I know how Dillon asking that you just wrap your loving arms around this young man. Father, He belongs to you, Father. I'm asking, Father, that you just allow him to know who you are and allow him to cast all of his cares upon you. Heavenly Father, Dear Lord, I bind that alcoholism right now in the mighty name of Jesus. Father about exactly that he's dealing with along with that depression. Lord God, I'm asking Lord God, you just to strengthen him right now, Lord. Allow him to lean on you, Father, not his own understanding. Lord, we know that you ordained marriages and the devil come to kill, steal and destroy. So Father, right now I bind that devil in the mighty name of Jesus. I come against anything that's trying to affect this marriage, Father affect his mind. Lord God just affect him overall. I know Lord God that you can do all things but fail Lord God, so I'm asking Lord God that you just Innovating on their behalf Heavenly Father show yourself mighty Lord God just Lord God just break every chain. Lord God that is not of you Father that is just holding them *******. Lord God, this is my prayer to you in Jesus name. Amen. DABC as always, I love you guys and continue to be encouraged and know that. I can do all things but fail and we just continue to look to the heels where our help cometh from. You guys have a great day. 

Good morning DABC Family. So this is under construction. And um, I am just hoping please, that you guys could keep my other half in your prayers. I just dropped him off at the airport. He is going for a job interview and he has to pass the physical and his background. And you know, we both know that God is always in control. And you know this is Something that we have been praying for. He'll be back to doing long haul. So I just pray for his safety while he is taking these flights and then while he is driving. So thank you everyone, I really, really appreciate All of the support and I love hearing everybody's prayers and being able to pray along with you. And I just I thank you guys, I'm so absolutely thankful for this community. I hope you guys all stay blessed. 

[ray-moo]

A pride flag is a declaration of just war against homophobes and transphobes, it is the taking up of a political stance which puts you at odds with other people whether you like it or not. If you're not willing to fight for what a pride flag stands for, you should never raise it.

Some wars are just. Some wars need to be fought.

But they should end at the doors of a church. Like it or not, those who hate what the pride flag stands for, those who hate part of your identity have a place at the Lord's Table. The Lord's Table is for the broken, especially for the broken. If you can't break bread with homophobes and transphobes, you need to take a hard look at yourself and consider what makes you any better, or any less broken than them.

If a pride flag makes homophobes and transphobes feel less welcome at church it should be left out of church. If they have a problem with you at Church, then let the dispute be for rejecting a sibling in Christ from the Lord's Table rather than the fact that they had an issue with whatever you are. The issue isn't that a queer person is breaking bread with them, or that a queer has as much right to the Lord's Table as a cishet person. No queer person has a right to the Lord's Table outside of Christ, No one has a right to the Lord's Table apart from Christ. Christ died for you. Ask if they are denying that. If anyone ever questions your place in Church, don't waste time. Run straight to the arms of Christ.

There is no message that the Pride Flag can bring to Church than 'Love thy neighbour' has not already perfectly encapsulated.

You are In Christ before you are gay or straight, trans or cis, black, white, or anything else. And your siblings in Christ are your siblings in Christ before they are your parents, your uncles and aunts, your political opponents, or even your persecutors.

If they are in Christ, then Christ will personally make peace between you and them one day, a peace that you will enjoy together with Christ for an eternity. Church is a foretaste of that eternity. Don't disturb the silence or sanctity of Church for worldly affairs.

Hot take: I hate seeing a Pride flag in a church the same amount as I hate seeing the national flag in a church.

Get. That. Out. Of. Here.

[marvel-and-mischief]

❄️ December Writing Challenge ❄️

Day 23. Wedding

Pairing: Pero Tovar x gn!Reader Words: 949 Warnings: food (meat), reader has a sister, can be read as Pero and reader are friends

December Writing Challenge masterlist

Pero didn’t want to be here. The flower petals being thrown over the happy couple were irritating his allergies, the smart tunic he was forced to wear was itching his arms, and he was getting glared at by the bride’s father from across the church for no reason he could think of. He hadn’t even met the man before today so who knows what his problem was. He was having a terrible time. His best friend had found the love of his life and the only thing he was looking forward to (the food) wasn’t being presented until they made their way to the bride’s father’s house after the wedding. And now he didn’t want to go because chances are the father was going to make it known what the issue was and he’d be kicked out before he even got a whiff of whatever animal was being roasted on the spit. 

He had been told to sit on the grooms side of the chapel, at the very front where he could feel the eyes of everyone on the back of his head, probably watching where he placed his thieving hands, judging his unruly hair that frames the harsh scars on his face. He sat stoically, only smiling in support whenever William looked his way. He was here for his best friend, nobody else.

-

Pero wanted to be left alone. He’d spoken to William when he entered the manor house, given him his congratulations, then headed straight to the food table in the dining room. He piled a plate high and shuffled into the drawing room to be left in peace. Except you insisted on bugging him like a fly around rotting meat. Did your father send you? The man who had spent more time watching him than his own daughter, your sister, getting married had probably sent you to make sure the silverware stayed out of his pockets. 

“Do you want a drink to go with that?” you asked kindly, already moving towards a set of decanters on a shelf.

“I want to be left in peace,” Pero grumbled around a mouthful of food. You poured a bottle of strong port into two cups, holding one out for Pero to take. He took it reluctantly, suspiciously watching you take a seat opposite him.

“Do you not like my sister?”

That gives Pero pause, halfway to trying his drink. Your smile shows your amusement as you calmly stare him down.

“Is that why you’re grumpy? Because everyone loves a wedding, but you’re here sulking all on your own.”

“Except you are here too. Is that because you do not like William?” Pero grunts, quick to defend his best friend.

“William’s lovely. I only wonder what he sees in you.” You tilt your head inquisitively, attempting to work out how it came to be that friendly, sweet-talking William is best friends with tightly wound, waspish Pero Tovar. It didn’t make sense. 

“Leave me alone,” Pero said, taking a gulp of his drink as a signal that he was done talking.

You didn’t leave him alone. But you did stay quiet, sipping your drink, adding a log to the fire when it burned low, and ordering anyone that tried to enter the room to leave immediately. Pero was at least thankful for that if nothing else.

-

The wedding guests took their leave, bidding farewell to the newly wedded couple, allowing Pero to sneak out through the kitchen and out the back door.

“I feel as though we got off on the wrong foot.” Pero spun around and, somewhere amongst the low light of the evening, found you leaning against the stable doors, bundled up in a woolly coat and half hidden by a thick scarf to combat the cold. Neither moved; Pero waited for an explanation and you wanted more of a reaction. 

“You were alone. And I wanted to keep you company, but I don’t think that was welcome.” You shuffled away from the door, not expecting Pero to respond. So you were rooted to the spot when he cleared his throat.

“I don’t like weddings. And people don’t like me. This is the worst day of my life, and I say that when I have had countless attempts on my life in battle.” Pero gave a ghost of a smile, heart a little lighter now he’d said his piece. You laughed. It’s the most you’ve heard Pero speak, and he was funny. This guy was full of surprises.

“I’m not much of a fan either. Especially when it’s my sister getting married. It takes all the attention off me, it simply won’t do.” You grinned, walked slowly towards Pero so as not to startle him, arms crossed as a chill ran through you.

“Would you like to start again?”

Pero frowned, then realised what you meant when you introduced yourself for the first time. 

“Pero Tovar,” he replied. “You should go inside before you catch your death.”

“Come back in. We can finish the port?”

Pero seems to think it over, eyes flicking between you and the back door he’d just walked through.

“What about your father?” he asked, remembering his judgmental stare at the church.

“He’ll have retired to his room by now.”

Pero’s been in sticky situations before, and he’s been found in places he shouldn’t more times than he can count. But he’s always come out of it fairly unscathed. And you seem like you genuinely want to befriend him, however stupid that may be.

And Pero doesn’t turn down a free drink. Ever.

“Lead the way.” He decided if he’s going to attend one good wedding in his life, why can’t it be this one. 

[perpetual-help]

Hiii, if it's already Christmas when you see this: blessed Christmas

I do have a thing to ask though. It's that time of year again and I'm visiting my family for the holidays. And like every year they asked me to go to church with them on Christmas Eve. I haven't been in church since I came out as gay. And I'm starting to very slowly be comfortable with the idea of being religious again. But my parents would much rather have a straight daughter than a gay son and I don't feel like I can ever go back to Christianity as long as they have these expectations of me going out and finding a wife or whatever.

Do you think there are better ways to maybe find back to the church? I just don't know where to start since I had to leave to protect myself

Hello, Anon! I apologize for the lateness of my response; it is, in fact, Christmas when I am responding to this! Merry Christmas to you! My prayer for you and everyone else who reads this post is that the Child Jesus will be born in your hearts on this day. ❤️

It would be a wonderful thing, especially for your immortal soul, if you would attend Mass again. Our Lord beckons all of us, sins and all, from the Holy Altar and asks us to give Him the burdens we carry so that we might one day soar with wings in grace and virtue.

As someone who also struggles with same-sex attraction, I encourage your participation in the Mass, but only to the extent that the current condition of your conscience will allow. I say this with all of my love and as someone who has, unfortunately, abused Our Lord in the Holy Sacrament by unworthily receiving Him without confessing my mortal sins in the past, please do not join me in this grave error. The inclination that we both struggle with is not a sin, but the acceptance / willful participation in homosexual acts is a sin - one that must be confessed to a priest before receiving Communion. If you find yourself in a place of uncertainty, don’t let this be the reason you don’t go to Mass. Go and ask Our Lord to touch your heart. Ask Him to open the eyes of your heart and to guide you in this journey back to Him.

I don’t know much about your relationship with your parents, but if you’re uncomfortable attending Mass with them or in a Church where people know you, you could look for a different Church to go by yourself. I think the best way to “start” would be to just go! I’d like to encourage you to start attending Sunday Mass again. There’s absolutely no need for you to get married. It isn’t a sin to remain single and celibate. If anyone is placing pressure on you to get married against your will/desire, it would be best to respond as kindly/straightforwardly as possible, but with patience (especially towards your parents.) These little aggravations can be offered up to God, where He makes them into crowns of virtues for us if endured for love of Him.

Anon, it would be in the best interest of your soul to begin a prayer life - even if you find yourself unable / unwilling to immediately return to Mass on your own. The rosary is a beautiful, wonderful, edifying devotion - one I like to recommend to everyone. For now, it would be just as good for you to begin with something short and simple - a prayer in the morning and evening. It doesn’t have to be long and elaborate - it can be an Our Father and Hail Mary - but, to get into the practice of turning your mind and intentions towards God will be a crucial stepping stone in your journey. Prayer is the oxygen of the Christian life.

I hope I’ve answered your question to your satisfaction. You’re always welcome to message me in the future. :) I’ll be praying for you. God bless. ❤️

[satanfemme]

im really trying to find a place in my spirituality/religion/personal philosophy or whatever as an excatholique. idk. i get that it takes time and effort to find a new place in the world. but right now really i just wanna smoke a fat blunt with ol luci downstairs. any advice?

honestly? my advice is that if right now u wanna smoke a fat blunt with luci, you should literally go ahead and do that (u know, metaphorically speaking lol). try it out! see if it fits! it might, or it might not, or it might feel good now and then bad in a few weeks/months/years -- and if that happens you can just try something else out instead. nothing wrt ur personal spirituality needs to be inherent, permanent, or serious.

letting urself experiment with different beliefs/paths is hard when you're raised catholic, but ime it's the only way you're gonna find a comfortable niche! just keep it no-pressure, low-stakes. because it is. genuinely. I 100% promise. despite what the church sometimes teaches, an all loving g-d will always forgive you and welcome you back if you change your mind later or if you wanna go back at any point. and this is just my personal opinion: but most deities are like that in general too.

being a human is so hard and confusing if you get too focused on the big picture. so for now, focus on this moment. pursue however you feel in this exact moment. then stay mindful. and when the moment changes, you may notice the way you feel changes too, and then you should pursue that instead. this includes taking a break when you want to take a break, or analyzing your beliefs through a psychiatric lens if you ever notice a pattern of distress.

stay open, too. read and learn from as many varying sources as you can. different religions, sects, teachers, philosophers, etc. and be critical of those sources. ask yourself, "why do they believe this? why do they want others to believe this? who does this benefit? who might this hurt?", as well as "if I followed these teachings, who would I be? would I be the person I want to be? would I be someone else? how would I benefit? how would others benefit? could this hurt me in any way? could this hurt others in any way?" thirdly, pay attention to the other people involved in whatever you're looking at, and ask, "are these the kinds of people I want to surround myself with? are these the kinds of people I want my unaffiliated friends, s/o, or family to associate with? how do they treat people with different beliefs? how do they treat me? what do they have to gain or lose from me joining them? would they be ok if I left later on?"

and on a serious note: learn the BITE model. cults are real, and prey upon questioning people. scientology, mormonism, and jehovah's witnesses are all cults and dangerous. in the left hand path, joys of satan is a cult. the church of satan and satanic temple are not cults (afaik) but deeply flawed/harmful in fairly covert ways. individual churches/groups within an otherwise harmless religious sect can also be cults, so don't necessarily trust people based on the seemingly-safe labels they advertise. also, relatedly, please please go out of ur way to actively research antisemitism, dog whistles, and antisemitic appropriation. these prejudices are unavoidable no matter what path you look at (excluding judaism itself, I'm assuming), so you're inevitably going to encounter them again and again (and most likely already have). don't contribute to that harm.

anyways, that's a lot to process but I hope it helps. I understand how difficult this can be, myself being an excatholic occultist/devil worshiper (who still holds loose ties to catholicism anyway cause fr this shit isn't serious and it's fun to mix-n-match). and btw if ur ever really craving xtianity but don't wanna put up with the shittiness of most xtian churches, universal unitarianism is generally pretty ok and openly leftist (and not strictly xtian either, but that still kinda depends on the individual church imo).

wishing u the best of luck!

[sweetcathedral]

Note: Finally back from my break! Lots of things keep happening in my life that I’ve never expected, so I’m busier than usual, but I have queued up some quick stories for the next few weeks. Although this was inspired by the Are You Am I dresses, it’s more centred around Catholicism that I have a love-hate relationship with. Enjoy!

⚠️: 18+, fem! reader, altar sex, raw, church sex, overstimulation, creampie/breeding

“I don’t think we should be doing this.”

“Cut the act. You’d be fighting me, if you really opposed it,” Sukuna scoffs, admiring the view of your legs spread open—laid on top of the altar. Your ripped stockings, now webs of black thread, running across your thigh, like it’s still trying to keep him from tainting the last bit of innocence you had left. Beams of light fell from the skylight of the church, casting a soft glow on the God that was once loved, but now abandoned and left to be eaten by what he created.

“The hell are you wearing?” Sukuna arched his brow in a grimace expression.

You looked down at your outfit, not seeing what could be wrong with it. It’s your first time wearing something like this; a silk dress with dainty straps and a raw hemming that looks like it’s about to come undone & sheer opaque black stockings. “I don’t see anything wrong with it, does it look bad?” Sukuna strides towards you, analyzing your outfit, even lifting the hem of your dress as if he doesn’t know what’s already there.

“I will never understand the evolution of clothing in this era,” he cocks his head to the side with a placid look in his eyes. Ah, right. He died a long time ago.

“What did people used to wear in your time?”

“Fabrics that actually clothed them,” he tugs at your stockings and wiggles his finger in them, still trying to wrap his head around its function.

“Hey, stop that, it tickles and it feels weird,” you giggled, pushing his hand away.

“I don’t see any point in wearing it. I could rip this off right now.”

“Sukuna, no! This is expensive!” you bicker at him, clinging on to your dress as he tugs at it like a child does when they want their mom’s attention.

“Just ask Gojo to buy you a new one when we’re finished.”

“Finished?” the sound of threads shredding apart startles you.

You scan yourself like a puppy chasing its tail to see if he’d actually ripped your dress apart. Nothing, but something felt off—looking down at your stockings, you see that there was a large slit running down your leg, exposing your thigh.

"Heh, whoops," he flicks the small shred of fabric off his nails, walking you into a corner. The shadow of the room contrasts his face making his eyes glow a deeper crimson. "Don’t look away from me," grabbing your face, his nails dig into your skin as you try to fight off his grip. Lifting you against the wall, he softly drags his nails along your exposed thighs, teasingly drawing circular patterns the higher up he goes.

"Sukuna," you pleaded softly, his hand now on your neck, lifting you ´til you were on your tippy toes & trying to balance yourself so that you wouldn’t fall into complete suffocation.

"Shh, someone might hear you," he whispers in a low octave. You forgot you weren’t in a closed off area. The two of you were originally sent to an abandoned church to investigate a curse user of the Roman Catholic religion, that is until Sukuna took over Yuji’s body.

Your body jolts at Sukuna brushing his knuckles over your clit. The heat of you traces over the length of his finger through the thin fabric of your panties, stifling a moan. "Don’t be shy. It won’t be your first time sinning in front of a God," he cooed in your ears. He told you to be quiet, but he really just wanted to see you hold yourself back as he evokes your temptations & diminishes your composure. He loves seeing you corrupted, especially when it’s in a respectable church built to honour a God who guides herds of blinded sheep.

Only shame & humiliation wash over you as you avert your gaze from looking at the smaller crucifix hanging over the doorway the two of you came from. He turns to look in the same direction you did, a sly grin stretches from ear to ear. “I have a better idea,” his eyes narrow in defiance as he turns to look at the God overseeing the center aisle.

“I don’t think we should be doing this.”

“Cut the act. You’d be fighting me, if you really opposed it,” Sukuna scoffs, admiring the view of your legs spread open—laid on top of the altar. Your ripped stockings, now webs of black thread, running across your thigh, like it’s still trying to keep him from tainting the last bit of innocence you had left. Beams of light fell from the skylight of the church, casting a soft glow on the God that was once loved, but now abandoned and left to be eaten by what he created.

You released a deep exhale at the feeling of something soft and wet trailing over your inner thighs—Sukuna. The warm feeling eases the tension all over your body and you can feel the heat of your blood pumping in your ears, his face getting closer and closer to where you want him the most. “Maybe we should find a more private setting,” you try convincing him.

“Now why would I want that? Just look at how wet you are down here,” he bites on your panties and pulls them off, revealing a dripping mess. It was embarrassing, immoral, but there was something about how good it feels to be doing something so wrong. The thrill of it sends a rush of adrenaline through your veins, your heart beating against your ribcage. More. “Tell me what you want.”

Everything, but even that thought wasn’t enough. “I want you . . . to take me to hell,” you whisper to him.

Taken aback by the words that just came out of your mouth, he brings himself back with that same sly grin and a soft look in his eyes. “It’ll be my pleasure.”

From one moment to the next, Sukuna drove your sanity out from you until you could think of nothing, but only him. The bold movement of his tongue reaching in to taste you, his fingers teasing around your clit and fondling your breasts, his lips pressing on every part of your skin, leaving wet splotches that are deep enough in colour to bloom into an aching bruise afterwards.

“Sukuna,” you lift the hem of your dress over as you fold your legs to your chest—revealing your painfully aching cunt, glistening with desire. The syllables of his name roll off the tip of your tongue like nectar. “More.”

“You don’t need to tell me,” he pulls your hips towards him, enough for your cunt to be pressing against the thick bulge fighting the strain of his black jeans. The altar creaked, as if in disappointment, at the sudden weight change.

Mesmerized by the sight of you laid on the altar like an offering, he takes his time to soak in the image, burning it into his mind; the burnished oak altar with the scene of the last supper carved beneath it, a warm glow cascading from the skylight of the church and the large crucified God, looking down at the lustful act unfolding in his house of worship. But then the feeling of your hips impatiently bucking at him interrupts his thoughts. “You know, they say patience is a virtue,” pleased at your eagerness.

“Fuck the virtues.”

“What a bold thing to say in a church,” he softly chuckles, the sound of his zipper perking your ears.

You reach for his belt, but he laces his fingers into yours, pressing your hand down. The tip of him brushes against your soft folds, lubricating itself with your juices. Without a struggle, his cock unfolds you, pushing a welcoming entrance open between your legs. Your walls flutter in excitement, pulling him in, as the creaking floors of the church groaned in disapproval.

“Oh, God,” you gripped at the altar cloth.

“You should moan louder for the angels to hear,” he thrusted into you harder than when he entered, the sound of skin slapping bounces off the walls. “Fuck.”

All righteous thoughts were purged out of you, like a soul being cleansed anew at adoration. Demon. It wasn’t your first time with him and it definitely won’t be your last. You can feel your body getting desperate to finish as you began to buck your hips faster.

“Closer,” you held your breath, arching your back.

The sound of his name falling off your lips sends a painful feeling of the need of wanting more. He wanted to strip away your senses to see a side of you that no one else has ever seen, the first to discover you and explore whatever you hid away from plain sight. That is what drove the King of Curses, Father of All Sins, to greed.

Echoes of your panting and moaning became a choir of sultry tones, replacing the familiar sounds of organs and bells in the church. Even though your legs were trembling from reaching your limits, he kept on going, ignoring your pleas and begging.

“Not yet,” he grunts in your ear.

“Please . . . I can’t take it anymore.”

Tears stream down your face as you grip onto Sukuna’s arms. The feeling in your legs were no longer there and you were having a hard time controlling your tremors. Just when you thought you couldn’t reach another climax, your cunt began pulsating rapidly as your body uncontrollably tensed up again.

When Sukuna pulled out, a waterfall of cum spilled out of you and pooled onto the altar cloth, dripping down the carving of the Last Supper. The two of you pant in exhaustion, he’s laying on top of you with his arms wrapped around your head, his hand firmly holding you close to him.

You brush your fingers through his hair, reciprocating the same affection back. “Tell me you’re finished for today,” you giggled.

“I wanna say ‘no’, but that’d mean you’d be knocking on Shoko’s door again.”

Both of you laughed as you teasingly tugged at his ear.

“Should we clean—!”

As he helped carry you off the altar, you looked back at the aging oak and crumpled cloth that had been perfectly fine and untainted—now dented with deep inhuman scratch marks surrounding the faint imprint of where you laid.

[misha-moose-dean-burger-lover]

happy getting hitched day! 1.9k, (sort of) ft. this

Most days of the year, Sam's the optimist.

It doesn't usually fall on Dean to keep the spirits up in times of war anymore. Or worse, loss. And Dean, well, he thinks himself as enough of an in-the-moment kinda guy to not wallow when everything's not going to shit, right friggin' then.

Sam, on the other hand?

Beacon of light when there's a little Hell to raise, harbinger of hope when there's a God to defeat.

And losing his shit entirely when there's an aisle to walk down, leading to the girl of his dreams and the best decision of his life.

"Dean."

Dean fusses around Sam in compact little semicircles fixing his already perfect tux, while his brother panics in a way Dean only remembers from before the kid stopped having to look up at Dean.

But he's looking down at Dean now, wide-eyed and sweaty like the very first time Dean saw him off on a date when he was fourteen — with supple, bullshit eighteen-year-old advice, he bets — and thirty eight year old Sammy is, clear as day, losing his shit.

"Yeah?" Dean channels all the calm he's got into it.

"What if I forget my vows?"

"Well," Dean lifts his eyebrows, and picks up a linen thread from Sam's shoulder that caught his eye. "First of all, would kinda serve you right for writing six pages worth of them."

"Stop being a —"

"Front and back, Sammy. Front and back."

"Dean." Sam glares, more indignant than mad. Dean rolls his eyes, and Sam continues, replacing the look immediately with a troubled one that reflects the dilemma in his voice. "I mean, I've learned them, of course. At least I think I have — I practised twice last night, once this morning — but what's to stop me from fumbling, or forgetting —"

"Your gigantic nerd brain?"

"This is serious." Sam frowns, levelling another look at Dean like he's the one with the stellar proverbial cold feet. "Jerk."

"Bitch." Dean throws back immediately, and pauses in his shuffling around for effect. "Also, no. No, it isn't." And Sam goes to argue with a bitchface already surfacing, but Dean keeps going, sterner, more confident. This is something he's been doing all his life. He can probably talk the kid down from a panic high like this in his sleep. "And you're going to stop being a dumbass, and listen to what I'm saying."

"'M not a dumbass." Sam mutters.

"Yeah, you are." Dean shrugs, completely nonchalant, and Sam laughs in spite of himself, nervous, but a welcome improvement as he waits for Dean to proceed. (Big brother voice never lets Dean down.)

He's still got it.

"Here's what you're going to do. You're going to get out there," Dean continues, smiling now. "You're going to hold Eileen's hand while the minister marries you. And approximately ten to fifty minutes later, when he asks you to, you're going to look into her eyes, and you're going to say your vows. All stupid six pages of them, verbatim, 'cause I know you, and you're going to that's why."

"They're not stupid."

Dean hums in consideration, then smirks. "There's bravery in acceptance. They probably are."

"Cas called them exquisite." Sam crosses his arms, and Dean uses the opportunity to pick up a hair from his sleeve with a disapproving look.

(Dean had offered to give him a haircut seventeen times and gotten turned down, and now Sam was shedding.)

"Yeah, well, he's a walking-talking scrabble board with good manners, what is he supposed to do?" Dean rolls his eyes but instead of the expected response of Sam snarking back at him, bitchfacing him or something, Sam sighs.

The air thickens with something that's probably a bigger deal than having to wing a couple paragraphs of page three of the vows.

Dean watches Sam fidget with the buttons on his cuff.

"How did you know, Dean?" Sam asks, subdued, after a pause. "How did you know that Cas wasn't — that Cas wasn't making a horribly wrong decision."

Dean's almost halfway to making a joke about the other shoe but he stops himself.

Because this?

This, he gets.

This feeling of thinking — knowing — you're not good enough, that you aren't right for the one you love, that you're somehow deceiving everything that your life has stood as proof of, in allowing someone else to bind themselves to you, forever, when you know that everyone who's ever meant something to you has lost, and died, and hurt.

And that is exactly why he also knows what to say.

"Because I trust him, Sammy."

Sam's eyes start glazing over. "I trust her too. I just, I'm just so scared —"

Dean winces at his words.

(That's Sam, but it's Sam in Dean's shoes. It was Dean's job — for better or for worse — to keep him safe. And he's failed, failed repeatedly, and now Sam — well, he's as broken as Dean.)

"I love her too much for anything to go wrong, Dean, and something — no, everything, always goes wrong." Sam grits his teeth, and Dean puts his hand on Sam's shoulder.

Squeezes. "I get it. I swear to you, I do. But I also promise that you might regret the things we've done, and the things that have been done to us, but you're never going to regret this."

Sam nods jerkily, eyes downcast.

"And I get being scared. Hell, I was more scared than you the entire week, dude. But you know how — and why, I pushed through?" Sam looks up again. "Because at the end of all of this, there's something more important than the promises of eternal happiness, and forever, and the Celine Dion lyrics I know you've stuffed in your vows. There's them. The ones we love."

Dean swallows.

"And who love us too, because our fucked up heads be damned, I've seen the way she looks at you, Sammy." Sam's face breaks into a small, wet smile. "So you better believe she does."

"I do." Sam slowly nods, again, eyes brimmed with tears.

(Probably about to start spilling. The only consolation for Dean is that at least his tears don't fall. Means as long as he doesn't mind a blurry view of everything, he might as well ignore their existence like he means it.)

"There, was that so hard?" Dean laughs instead, although it's weak until Sam joins in, surprised, and only then registering the words he just spoke.

"Thank you, Dean."

Is all he says, and anything Dean might've wished to say (or wisecrack) back at him is dismissed immediately because he's being pulled into a full Winchester hug by his door-sized little brother, and all he can do then is hold onto Sam as tight as he's holding him, and hold on.

(Because they made it.

They found free will, they found love, and they found their happy ending.)

Because Sammy's getting married today.

And they don't just get to be okay anymore. They get to be happy.

Sam doesn't pull back from the hug for at least a whole minute, but Dean doesn't mind, because the tears welling up in his eyes are gone when he finally smiles at Dean, earnest. "I'm —" He starts to say, but gets interrupted by Cas walking up to them with a cluster of carnations in his hand, wearing a rich navy blue tux (the same as Dean's) and a wide smile.

"Hope I didn't interrupt anything," Cas beams, knowing exactly what he walked in on, and Sam shakes his head courteously while Dean battles the weirdly overwhelming need to kiss him right there — Cas is almost ridiculously beautiful when he's happy.

(He doesn't, though.

Cause he and Sam may've just had a moment but it's not like that means he'd be any less likely to be a pain in the ass about urgently requiring brain bleach and therapy, if Dean did.)

Cas carries on.

"Actually, Eileen's friend, Cara, brought her flowers and she suggested I should bring some to you."

"A corsage." Dean realizes out loud, beginning to grin at once, while Sam resorts to ducking his head like an overgrown teenage girl on her way to prom. Doesn't mean that Dean absolutely doesn't put on his best chickflick Dad voice (after he's taken over pinning the flowers to Sam's pocket from Cas, cause he was doing it wrong) and pat the corsage when he says, "Get 'er home by ten."

"The dynamics of that are all wrong." Sam points out with a traditional Sam smirk, and yeah, he's okay.

"The dynamics of your face are all wrong."

"Great comeback, yeah." Sam snorts, and Cas smiles. "Points for effort. I think."

"Whatever, you're the one wearing flowers right now."

"Dean, you wore an ascot on our wedding day."

"Ascot trumps flowers!"

"No, it doesn't." Sam bitchfaces, and Dean turns to Cas, and —

"No, it doesn't."

And Sam lets out a victorious "Hah!", and high-fives a (only slightly) confused looking Cas before pulling him into a sasquatch-sized hug as well, while Dean rewards the entire ordeal with a heartfelt eyeroll and absolutely doesn't look on at two of the most important people in his life while he pretends to be bristled about being ganged up against on his special day as Best Man.

Cas and Sam separate sooner than Dean and he did, and just in time for Jack to poke his head out the church door and remind them they're ready.

Then, Cas leaves to get Eileen, with another big smile and a signed Congratulations at Sam, and a fleeting cheek-kiss for Dean.

Then, Sam and Dean get in position behind the door and Sam refixes his tie.

(Then, Dean has to stage-whisper "Jack!" about seven times before the kid realizes he's being cued — the band had just started playing, he makes it a point to try to explain to Dean afterwards — and the great, wooden doors finally swing open to reveal a beautiful white aisle, and dozens of their friends and family smiling from both sides of it.)

And then, Dean finally walks the kid he's raised and the brother he's saved the World with countless times, down the aisle.

*

(Sam only messes up once in his vows. It's the last verse of Thank You, by Celine Dion.

Rumor has it, it was intentional.

Something about the first time they met.

Dean tells Sam, "You're welcome", the next time he sees him.)

[young-dumb-and-vaccinated]

The Cult Girl (Hannibal x Female!Reader) pt. 13

Hello friends we have come to the end of Cult Girl. Thank you all for hyping me up throughout this story and giving me the confidence to actually post my work. Y/n and Hannibal throw a dinner party.

The sunlight streamed in through the window, illuminating the entire kitchen in that homey mid-morning glow. You were enjoying your coffee and scrolling through an article on your phone.

"Senator Hatch reportedly coughed up his late wife's toe on the floor of the precinct." You read out loud. "Huh. Wonder how that could have happened."

You side-eyed Hannibal, who was contentedly sharpening his knives. Placing a rather large meat cleaver to the side, he met your gaze. "I have my ways."

You finished off your coffee and brought the mug to the sink. "There was no way Theresa was going to survive that night, was there?"

"Clever girl." Hannibal praised.

"You were going to kill her if I didn't, were you?" You felt a smile coming on. "Did everything turn out as expected?"

"Darling, this all went much better than I could have ever hoped for." He smirked. "See, I had the whole evening mapped out. I was hoping you'd be the one to deliver justice and kill her, but I had to prepare for the possibility that you wouldn't."

You folded your arms and leaned against the island. "Is that why I was so sick that day?"

You could have sworn you saw some hesitation in Hannibal's face. Maybe even a touch of regret. "Yes. You needed an alibi. It was as easy as removing a single birth control pill from your packet. You'd see it was missing and think you'd already taken your medicine-"

"So I'd neglect to take my focus meds." You cut in. "Yeah, I knew something was off."

"By the end of the day, you'd be experiencing full withdrawal symptoms." Hannibal nodded. "I don't take any pleasure in upsetting the delicate balance of your brain chemistry, and for that I am sorry. I did what I had to."

"Yeah, don't ever do that again." You ordered, no disarming smile in sight. "I need those meds to function."

"I promise you, darling," Hannibal said, sincerely. "I would never keep you from being anything but your very best. I was just looking after you."

"I suppose now that all this is out in the open, you won't need to pull any shit like that again." You muttered. "But I'm still going to keep my pills at my apartment."

"That reminds me." He said. "Would you like to invite your roommates for dinner tonight? I've prepared a wonderful Spanish-inspired menu that's perfect for entertaining."

"I'd love for you to meet my friends, but, they all keep such weird hours I doubt they'll all be free tonight." You shrugged. "I'll give them a call though."

"Wonderful." He smiled. "You make arrangements while I prepare the kitchen."

You stepped into the office and called up Pilar. She answered within the minute.

"[F/N]!" She near shouted. "Holy fuck, how are you doing?"

"I'm actually doing..." you looked back into the kitchen, watching your beloved Hannibal in his element. "Really well."

"I heard about your cousin." Pilar cut in. "One down, two to go."

You snorted. "No fucking shit."

"Sorry, was that okay for me to say?" She apologized. "I know you said Theresa was a bitch, but it's your trauma and I-"

"No, you're fine." You laughed. "She was a bitch. Hey, do you have any plans tonight?"

"Uh, no. I don't think so." She answered. "Why?"

"Hannibal wants to invite you all for dinner tonight." You said with an audible smile. "Y'know, to celebrate the bitch's death."

"Yo! Steph!" Pilar shouted across the room. "Wake Randy up! We're having dinner at [F/N]'s rich boyfriend's house!"

You could make out Stephanie's voice in the background. "It's about damn time. We've been waiting for her to redistribute the wealth."

"She means thank you for the invitation." Pilar corrected.

"It's not like I had to twist his arm or anything. It was his idea." You chuckled. "He loves having guests. And excuses to dress up."

"Oh so we're getting fancy, huh?" Pilar's voice turned up in excitement.

"Hey [F/N]!" Randy snatched the phone from Pilar. "Text me the menu for tonight. My girlfriend'll steal a nice bottle of wine to pair. She's a pro, she works over at Cavatappi's wine and spirits."

"Much obliged, Randy." You said. "I'll see you guys at seven."

You returned to the kitchen with a smile. "They're coming."

"Well, we don’t have a moment to lose, then." Hannibal placed something wrapped in butcher paper on the counter. "Come now. Let me show you how to properly prepare a heart.

You and Hannibal spent the rest of the morning and the whole afternoon preparing a bountiful meal. You reveled in the irony of finally finding a space for Theresa in your life. That space just so happened to be on the stove.

Seven came far too quickly, but your friends were always a welcome sight. You greeted them at the door with hugs, Hannibal watching with stoic adoration.

"Guys, this is Hannibal Lecter, my partner." You introduced. "Hannibal, this is Pilar, Stephanie and Miranda."

"It is a pleasure to meet you, ladies." Hannibal greeted. “Please, make yourselves comfortable.”

"Here you go, Dr. Lecter." Randy handed him a bottle of wine. "Thank you for inviting us."

Hannibal examined the bottle. "Yes, this will pair quite nicely with our meal. Thank you very much. [F/N], could you show our guests to the dining room?"

You nodded and accepted the bottle, given the extra responsibility of pouring. You led your friends to the dining room and wasted no time distributing the alcohol.

"A toast." Stephanie rose her glass. "Too many of history's worst have had the privilege of dying on their own terms. Today, we celebrate the death of one who didn't: Theresa [L/N]."

"She will join her sisters Nancy Reagan and Madame Nhu in hell tonight." You concurred, tapping your glasses together with a series of satisfying clinks.

"Okay, you need to spill." Randy scooted her chair up and leaned towards you. "How the hell did you get away with it?"

"Well, it helped a lot that her husband was already a felon." You teased. "If I didn't kill her, he was going to eventually."

Pilar made a face. "I can't believe it took actual murder to get that latter-day lump thrown in prison."

"Well, the LDS church is a very influential organization with a stronghold on all of Utah." You explained. "There's a long history of legitimizing sex abuse there."

"We know, cult girl." Stephanie laughed. "You remind us every time your pedophile cousin-in-law comes up. Relax and take your victories where you can get them.” 

“Ladies,” Hannibal entered. You rushed to his side to help him with the dinner plates. “Have we ever tried organ meat before?” 

Everyone’s eyes found Pilar. 

“Braised liver is delicious and you guys are just cowards.” Pilar protested. “I will die on this hill.” 

Hannibal smiled and presented your friends with their plates. “You are a woman of good tastes, Pilar. Our first course is Riñones al Jerez.” 

“Kidneys.” Randy translated. “Who’s kidneys are we eating today, Dr. Lecter?” 

He tilted his head. “Theresa’s, of course.” 

“I don’t care whose organs you harvested.” Stephanie said, her eyes rolling back into her head. “This is delicious.” 

You and Hannibal shared a glance and a smile. 

You and your roommates devoured the Riñones al Jerez, then dug into the next serving of heart stewed with chickpeas and olives. You finished off the evening with natillas de leche and a bottle of Sauternes Hannibal just happened to have lying around. 

“This is the first time since like, Keith Raniere got sentenced that I’ve seen [F/N] happy-drunk.” Stephanie observed.

“Or even just... happy." Pilar said, looking at Hannibal. "I'll have some of whatever she's having, please."

"My pleasure." Hannibal poured her another glass of wine.

Your phone began to buzz on the table, capturing the attention of your guests. You didn't even need to look at the caller ID to know who it was. Nobody else in the world had such horrid timing.

"Shit, you've got to answer it here!" Stephanie pleaded. "So we can all give her a piece of our mind!"

You looked over to Hannibal, who you knew was just as curious.

You dragged the answer icon across the screen and put it on speaker. You gestured for your friends to be quiet. "Yeah?"

"Well look who finally decided to pick up." Grandma said. "Thank you for gracing me with your attention. I know you have so much going on right now, you're just too busy to pick up the phone and talk to your grieving grandmother."

"For your information..." you stumbled over your words. "I was interrogated by the police yesterday. I think that counts as having something going on."

"Are you drunk?" Her voice was laced with a disproportionate level of disgust.

"I'm grieving too, Beatrice." You counter. "What, suddenly you're the only one who can drink the pain away? That's not very democratic of you."

"In your state, you shouldn't even be thinking of alcohol!" Grandma scolded. "You of all people should know the effects alcohol has on an unborn baby."

You smacked yourself on the head. Of course Theresa would plant a seed to fuck you over one last time. "Did Theresa actually tell you I was pregnant?"

"It was her last message to me, actually. Anyway, you're coming home." Grandma said, without so much as waiting for a response. "I won't have my great grandchild living in that dangerous city that your cousin was killed in."

You exchanged looks with your friends, who were going through the same combination of emotions as you were. Grandma's words just seemed to fade out as you shared an entire nonverbal conversation with the people around you.

"And you're leaving that terrible, terrible man."

Hannibal raised an eyebrow and looked at you, waiting to see how you'd respond. You knew what you had to do. It was finally time. You did something you should have done a long time ago.

"No." You said, your nerves loosened by the wine.

"What?"

"No. And I mean it." A big smile crossed your lips. "Theresa lied to you. I'm not pregnant. And you have to live with the fact that your granddaughter's last words to you were a blatant lie."

Hannibal looked at you with pride and your friends began to silently gas you up with encouraging gestures. "

"...And that you're the only one to blame for her deception." You continued. "You raised her in your own image."

"This is why I refuse to let you raise my great grandchild with that man!" She wailed. "He's twisted your mind against me! He's made you cruel!"

"Hannibal made me see clearly that you made me cruel." You said with absolute certainty. "You'll never see me again."

"Don't be like your mother, [F/N]." Grandma snarled. "Don't cut people out for trying to help."

"You'll never see me again." You repeated and decided to leave it at that. You ended the call and blocked the number, joined by an eruption of excitement from your friends.

It was finally over. Your life could truly begin.

[hikarimiyanaga]

Hai! do you mind if I request something? you don't have to do if you don't want to...my request is can you do a demon f!reader x donna where they captured the reader in the middle of the meeting because they sense the reader's presence and mother Miranda ended up giving the reader to Donna but the reader is curious about Donna so she played along oh and they didn't know the reader is a demon cause the reader can hide everything but her powers will be revealed when she protects donna in front of everyone

I love your stories btw<3

I don't mind requests at all!

So here you go!

You open your eyes as you hear voices in front of you. What is happening?

"I am telling you! She is dangerous!"

"For what, Karl? She hasn't even done anything yet!"

"And yet you, man-child have captured her! What were you thinking!?"

"Oh, come on, just because she's a girl doesn't mean she gets an automatic pass! Foreigners are still foreigners! And I'm telling you! She's dangerous!"

"Um." They all turn to you and you groan as you feel the handcuffs on your hands. "I think I'm pretty harmless so can you all free me?"

"No." The woman with wings and halo says. "One of the lords shall observe you until they see you fit to live in our village."

"Lady. I'm not planning to live here. I was just wandering around when that prick captured me out of nowhere."

"You are dangerous." Your eyes take on a dangerous glint.

"Free me and maybe you'll see that for yourself."

"Enough! Beneviento. The girl shall stay with you. In a week, we'll see if she is dangerous or not." Donna looks at you and you sigh in relief as Karl frees you.

"Watch your back, prick." You threaten him as you follow the lady clad in black. You crack your neck and stretch your body as you follow her out of the church.

-

You arrive at her house and hum as you look around.

"Are you curious?" A doll asks and you get taken aback. You look at the woman but she ignores you in favor of brewing tea.

"Yes? This is a very weird village." The doll giggles.

"Do you wanna play a game?"

"A game?"

"Yeah! Hide and seek! I like playing but Donna likes relaxing more."

"Relaxing?" Both you and the doll look at Donna as she sips her tea.

"Yeah! Specially after a family meeting." You sigh.

"Yeah. They seemed very intense."

"Right!? I try to get her to skip but she just won't." You smirk.

"Let's to convince her sometime then, huh? I'm Y/N, by the way."

"Angie." You nod then smile.

"What about that game?"

-

A week has passed. You've bonded with both Angie and Donna. You learned their hobbies and habits. Donna even read some of her books.

A week passed and your dreaded day comes.

You were standing before the five people again. The difference? Donna seemed worried as you stand before them again.

"So? Donna? Is the girl dangerous or not?"

"She isn't."

"Have you even tested her? Made her do anything? DAMN IT! Were you just playing around with her?" He stands and slowly but surely was getting closer to Donna.

"Heisen-"

"SHUT UP! She's a foreigner! We might be in danger! Why can't you be more curious?" You snarl and they all look at you.

"Get closer to her, prick. And you'll be sorry on how curious you could be."

"Why?" He grabs her hand and shows it to you. "Wha-" Before you knew it, you've already carried Donna and Angie was clinging to you. Your red wings are in full view and your eyes were red.

"I'll show you a preview of hell." They all gulp as the room gets hotter. You hide your wings and look at Miranda. "I won't interfere. With whatever the fuck it is you want to do. Just. Do not rope Donna or me. Or else. You'll know what true despair is."

"What are you?"

"I'm a demon." You put Donna down. "And if any of you try to harm her. You'll face my wrath. And trust me. You don't want that." You carry Donna home.

-

It was a miracle. You just walked back to the Beneviento house and not even Angie has made a noise since your revelation in the church.

You put Donna down in her courtyard and she turns to you.

"Is it true? Are you really a demon?" You smile then nod.

"If the whole wings didn't convince you, I also have the horns and the tail. I can also summon a demon army at command."

"But why-"

"Why hide? Why even be up here at all?" She nods and you look at the sky.

"I may be a demon, Donna. But I also have my limits. And I come up here to either relieve stress or relax."

"And? When are you going back?" You turn to her and see that she is hugging herself.

"To where?"

"To your home." You laugh then take her hand.

"Not anytime soon. If you'll let me stay." You kiss it and knew that she was blushing under her veil. Angie attacks you and you laugh as you and Donna get inside her house.

A/N:

Such a fun prompt.

Am I getting my writing groove back on? Maybe.

My sibling still isn't finish with their classes so we'll still see.

Comments and thoughts are always welcome!

Thank you for reading!

[nerdygaymormon]

Hi David

Idk if you can help but I didn't know who else to ask. I'm just feeling really overwhelmed and like 95% of the world thinks I would be better off if I just left the church. Both my sisters have left and they like to make off-color jokes about the church, my partner isn't a member and gets frustrated about my discomfort surrounding things like alcohol and porn. I already break a few important commandments so people in church would probably tell me to just leave if I'm not gonna live like a real mormon. I'm just tired and I don't know what the right answer is. I feel like being a mormon is such a key part of my identity but I feel pushed away from it on all sides.

Let me assure you, you're doing okay. Life can be hard and navigating it is messy.

Despite what the world says, you get to make your own choices. If the church brings you a sense of connection, provides a sense of meaning, some joy, a feeling of connection to the Divine, you're allowed to value that.

You determine your relationship with church.

Despite what people at church say, it's isn't an all-or-nothing proposition. You can participate in whatever degree works for you. You can accept or refuse callings, you can attend Sundays but not activities or only attend activities, you can come for Sacrament meeting but not the rest. If you like that sense of community, participate enough to retain that feeling of belonging.

You get to believe what you want and discard the rest that isn't useful. I don't know if you're queer, but there's a lot taught that isn't pro-queer, you can trash those teachings and replace them with the assurance God knows you and created you this way and means for you to experience life like this.

It seems to me you probably already do this to some extent, even if you weren't conscious of making these types of decisions.

It sounds like a big source of discomfort in your life comes from others who don't approve of your ties to the church. Sometimes we have relationships we want to keep, they mean so much, but there's an area that causes problems, we can fence off those areas so they don't spoil the overall relationship. This is called drawing boundaries.

Establishing boundaries where there weren't any is really hard to do and can be disruptive to others who are used to bringing up those areas. For the boundary to stick, you have to be firm, when they try to cross that line, remind them that you are not going to discuss that topic with them.

For example, with your sisters, let them know you won't be discussing church with them anymore. You don't have to explain anymore than that, but if you want to explain, you can remind them you still find some value in it. It would be hard on the relationship if you were to tell them about things going on a church and what you like about it, and it's equally hard for you to have them always saying such negative things said about a church you still belong to. If at some point you step away from church, then we can remove the boundary and I know I can turn to you for support.

You don't have to go into such an explanation when you want to make a boundary, you just have to be clear about what the line is.

With your partner, share that you're not comfortable with the alcohol and porn, you are from a culture that eschewed such things. That culture helped shape you into the person they fell in love with. They're welcome to indulge, and there may be some moments or celebrations where I'll join in, but please don't pressure me to do things I'm not comfortable doing.

I think that combination of drawing boundaries and choosing what parts of the church you value and want to hold onto, that's a lot of work. It's not always going to be smooth, but it will allow you to hold to parts of your life that are so different but meaningful to you.

I'm going to post a picture that has examples of boundary-setting sentences. We all need help in setting boundaries and sometimes the hard part is how to say it. With some practice, we get better at it and it makes for a much happier life.